RDHDinsanity

november 04, 2009 01:10am
reasons why I should sleep more

Do you know the despair of wanting so badly and so deeply to feel something, to understand life on an intense, visceral level, but to somehow know that you're incapable of reaching it?

I fear I've let my roots grow too shallow, and now I have no clue how to go deeper.

My life up to now has not been lived.

november 03, 2009 11:44pm
Sometimes...

There are times in my life where I look at how I've developed as a person - my morals, my values, my education - and feel proud of what I've accomplished. There are times when I look at my worldview - my rationality, my analytical tendencies, my good-natured skepticism - and am grateful to be a (mostly) clear-thinking individual. There are times when I look at what I've been granted - my intelligence, my charisma, my general optimism - and think how lucky I am to be me and me alone.

Then there are times when I realize how selfish that all is, that none of what I've accomplished or been given exists in a vacuum (though I tend to act like it does) and that my focus on sheer logic has divorced me from being a feeling human being. I pride myself on being reflexive, yet I'm really not. What am I afraid of? Why am I afraid to feel, and feel vulnerable?

When I was growing up, as my mother tells it, I was super soft-hearted. If a kid on the playground fell down and hurt herself, I'd cry along with her. I'd cry at the end of movies, happy or sad. I constantly felt angry, or happy, or excited, or anxious; I felt. Looking back, I'm bewildered; where did that boy go? I feel that my current self is an emotionless robot (except for anger)...which, paradoxically, makes me overwhelmingly sad. I'm not sure what needs to change, but I can't keep going as an empty shell of a person. I need to feel.

Since this whole conversation is so different from my normal routine I should probably explain the catalyst: GivesMeHope.com. It tags itself as "Like FML, but for optimists," and it truly is. Since my story probably isn't heart- and gut-wrenching enough to be featured (and would most likely be seen as self-serving to the site *cough like MLIA cough*) I'll post it here:

october 09, 2009 02:16am
WHY I LOVE GLEE

"Thank you so much it really is a pleasure while the boys chose a selection of songs that cast an eye inward on the irresponsible life choices and sexual hunger of today's modern teens we have chosen a selection of songs that speaks to the nation as a whole during these troubling times filled with economic uncertainty and unbridled social ill because if there's two things America needs right now it is sunshine and optimism.

Also angels."

september 28, 2009 04:07pm
Oh, True Blood

While finally catching up on True Blood (WHY CAN'T IT BE ON ALREADY?) I discovered a great respect for the writers of the show. Though I'm sure some of their portrayals of life in the South are egregiously stereotyped, the witticisms and epigrams written into the script were delightful. As I watched I compiled a list of my favorites, and decided to post them here to get them off my desktop. In (mostly) chronological order:

• "You are sweating like an ice-water pitcher, honey!"
  
• "His dancing looks like an epileptic on meth."
  
• "Those will go faster than fritters at a fat farm." (Love the alliteration!)
  
• "Thank you Jesus, Santa Claus and Hare Krishna!"
  
• "You're just Satan in a sunday hat."
  
• "I'll kick your ass so hard you'll be shittin' boots!"
  
• "He's takin' a vacation to Jesus." (Said about a character who was killed the previous season)
  
• "I'd wear him like a scrunchie!"
  

may 31, 2009 01:04pm
lol @ me

I figured today would be a good day to add another blog entry, considering it's the last day of May and what should be the final day of my BEDiM self-challenge...which went by the wayside about 21 days ago. Yay me. Things that have happened:


» Trip to NYC


» School ended


...and that's really it. Awesome. Ugh I'm sleepy. AND I NEED A JOB OK BAI.

may 09, 2009 10:34pm
why am i doing this AGAIN

Today was the rookie tourney at Sac State, which everyone on the team was required to judge at. Mostly a recruiting effort, it's the first year we've actually had such a tournament so it was pretty small; only around 24 debaters showed up. I got lucky and only had to judge the first round (it was only 2 rounds total), so I snuck upstairs and helped put together the mementos for our graduating debaters and graduating coach. After getting out at 1, everyone reconvened at Kristen's house for our party at 3. It was SUPER fun - the weather was gorgeous, her house was adorable, the company was great! Oh, and the entertainment was the best part - we semi-organized a talent show, and surprisingly enough (almost) everyone was a good sport and came through! The absolute BEST talent, though, was Michelle and her debate rap, set to the tune of "Ice Ice Baby" - watch it on Facebook video. Please, please watch - it's amazing.

After the party finished - around 7pm - a few of us decided to head back to TP's, to hang out and watch her play with her new gift from the team:

...a KitchenAid.

Highlights of this portion of the evening included Will serenading us on TP's brother's guitar:

However, I got super tired super fast and checked out early. An awesome day all around.

may 08, 2009 01:39pm
why am I doing this again?

I'm at Sac City College, helping out at yet another rookie tournament. This time it's even better - only parli debate, no policy at all. Oh joy.

This campus baffles me. It's quite cute, with red brick and nice lawns. And then you walk into the cafeteria and are confronted with this:

...I have no idea. I just want to meet whomever painted it.

may 06, 2009 07:46pm
sitting on babies

I spent most of today looking after my niece, Hannah. She's 16 months old; she was born on the same day they showed my Price is Right episode! She's super adorable:

Today was pretty fun. We hung out all day - she woke up from her nap around 2, and we had a snack (I had pita+hummus, she had chocolate Teddy Grahams and grapes), and then we turned on Shrek 2. HER. FAVORITE. MOVIE. EVER. I swear, this kid can sit and watch the entire movie without getting fussy, though today she was more energetic and wanted to play as well. I read with her and she played on her horse. A pretty chill day.

may 05, 2009 05:30am
and then there are those times

Most of the time I'm pretty happy with who I am - I'm not one to dwell on my imperfections, whether they are physical flaws or problems with my personality. However, occasionally I feel completely inadequate...especially when I consider what my life would be like were I able to wear things like this:

...or this:

...or this:

...or this:

It's enough to make me miserable that I wasn't born a waifishly thin European woman. Or that I was waifishly thin, and could make a convincing European woman through transvestism. Ugh, why do dresses make me so freaking excited and so freaking depressed at the same time? I swear, when I have the money, I'm going to buy my own couture dress, even if I can never wear it.

may 04, 2009 07:10pm
lazy day

After spending almost 4 hours on the phone last night, and staying up until past 7 this morning, and then sleeping until 3pm...I feel lazy. I was originally going to be babysitting this evening (and this afternoon) but my task has been taken over by my father, so I'm in my room, already tired and thinking of just turning in for the night.

I feel so useless :/.