RDHDinsanity

november 03, 2009 11:44pm
Sometimes...

There are times in my life where I look at how I've developed as a person - my morals, my values, my education - and feel proud of what I've accomplished. There are times when I look at my worldview - my rationality, my analytical tendencies, my good-natured skepticism - and am grateful to be a (mostly) clear-thinking individual. There are times when I look at what I've been granted - my intelligence, my charisma, my general optimism - and think how lucky I am to be me and me alone.

Then there are times when I realize how selfish that all is, that none of what I've accomplished or been given exists in a vacuum (though I tend to act like it does) and that my focus on sheer logic has divorced me from being a feeling human being. I pride myself on being reflexive, yet I'm really not. What am I afraid of? Why am I afraid to feel, and feel vulnerable?

When I was growing up, as my mother tells it, I was super soft-hearted. If a kid on the playground fell down and hurt herself, I'd cry along with her. I'd cry at the end of movies, happy or sad. I constantly felt angry, or happy, or excited, or anxious; I felt. Looking back, I'm bewildered; where did that boy go? I feel that my current self is an emotionless robot (except for anger)...which, paradoxically, makes me overwhelmingly sad. I'm not sure what needs to change, but I can't keep going as an empty shell of a person. I need to feel.

Since this whole conversation is so different from my normal routine I should probably explain the catalyst: GivesMeHope.com. It tags itself as "Like FML, but for optimists," and it truly is. Since my story probably isn't heart- and gut-wrenching enough to be featured (and would most likely be seen as self-serving to the site *cough like MLIA cough*) I'll post it here: